confessions of a recovering....

...perfectionist.

If you were to walk in my front door, you would be cheerfully greeted by legos all over the front living room. Like covering almost every square inch.


If you walked by the desk, you'd see crayons ev-e-ry-where. Like all over the desk. Inside the desk and littering the floor under the desk.

If you walked into my kitchen, you might see dishes stacked in the sink. They are rinsed though. Because I can't stand prying dried oatmeal from bowls. 

My pantry and closets have no rhyme or reason. I used to dream of having my pantry so organized it would rival that of  M Stew(Martha Stewart). Not got happen any time soon. 

And if you were to open a junk drawer...eh...you better not. 

My dining area and family room are generally picked up, otherwise life is outta control. And I try try to clean the boys' bathroom frequently, in case anyone stops by to whiz. Because it would just be rude otherwise. Rude I tell you!

If you walked into my bedroom, you would probably see that I forgot to make my bed. Which drives my hubby nuts. Once upon a time, I was wheeling and dealing, and convinced him to spot me some cash for a Petunia Picklebottom, in exchange for me making my bed for a whole year.  I looked so sincere, he must have said yes. What a sucker. That lasted about all of 2 or 3 days. Not a fact I'm proud of. 

And my poor master bathroom. Looks like a gas station more often than not. Once again. NOT something I'm terribly proud of. 

And of course, when you are taking pictures to post on OH SAY YOUR BLOG, you can always tilt the camera at just the right angle to crop out the messy areas of your home...or better yet, lower the aperture so that the background is superrrrr blurry. So thanks for that, Canon. 

My point?  I am not a stereotypical perfectionist, and if you were physically walking through my house during the day you might not know I had a problem.  Rather, I have "pockets of perfectionism". Only certain parts of my life are plagued by perfectionism. For example, there are some perfectionists who literally label and color code their pantry and closets. Their houses are spotless all the time. This was never the case with me. 

Other people are meticulous with their appearance. Their clothing and hair are immaculate. Also not the case for me, at least most of the time. I get into terrible ruts and wear the same thing all the time. My latest uniform consists of denim cutoffs with a black v-neck tee. And I wash my hair every 3 days. Don't judge. It's pretty much awesome and you should try it too.

So. Where does my perfectionist side emerge?

It pops out in projects that are important to me. Like when I try to sew a lil quilt, I get super picky with the fabrics, especially the color and scale of the design. I've been known to dye fabrics on occasion, or even sew/embroider a pattern when I could not find what I wanted in the stores. THAT IS NOT NORMAL PEOPLE. Seriously. If a fabric did DID NOT EXIST, I forced it to exist. I'm laughing now, because that is CRAZY. But that is the person I used to be. It was like I was in a trap. I knew it was insane, but I just couldn't break out of it.

I remember making a pumpkin cake with some friends for a baby shower. The orange color of the frosting was too bright for me. I kept making my friends add MORE AND MORE brown dye to make the orange more muted. My friends thought I was nutso. They called me a color snob. And rightly so.

When I was in high school and college, I was perfectionistic about my grades. Only A's were acceptable. That's a lot of pressure for a kid. "If you don't get good grades, you'll work at a gas station!" my teachers would bark. I would SO take their words to heart...when really they were probably talking to the gang bangers. I went to school with thugs. My hippie parents were great though and never pressured me. In fact, they would always tell me to STOP studying and go have fun. My parents were totes more cool than I was. So wrong, baha.

And the worst was when I invited people over. Now all of a sudden, the house HAD to be clean. I would stay up reallllly late and make extra trips to the grocery store just to make yummy food. It just wasn't fun anymore. By the time company arrived I was too worn out to even enjoy it. 

So WHY was I like this? I never really knew. And to be quite frank. I did not care enough to really change. Until last fall. I was getting increasingly stressed out to the point where it was starting to effect my health. Ya know, like tummy aches and lack of sleep. Plus. It just doesn't feel good to be stressed.

A few weeks ago, my husband handed me a book called Hope for the Perfectionist. He told me to read it "so that I'll understand him more". He's kind of a "pocket perfectionist" too...takes him FOREVER to mow the lawn. And he'll stay up til midnight doing lesson plans. This would make me all cranky and nag him.  

A few things from the book REALLY stood out to me. They might even cure you if you are a perfectionist...and if you are not a perfectionist?  It might help you understand that annoying delightful friend of yours. *wink*.

 Like this part WOKE ME UP. I'm going to wildy paraphrase here, k?

>>>>>Basically it's because of pride.

Wait. What? Me, prideful? Nawwww.

Read on.

Everything has to appear perfect because we are prideful. We want to be perfect, like God is perfect. It's the original sin of Satan. He wanted to be like God in heaven. And it also was the first sin of mankind. Adam and Eve took the fruit so that their eyes would be opened and they would be like God.

Yup, every bad thing on earth seems to have its root in pride. 

To me, this fact make perfectionism easier to deal with. I don't need a 12-step program to rid myself of perfectionism--I need Jesus. And his forgiveness when I'm prideful. And I need to stoppit. Only God is perfect. I am not.

I'm not judging anyone but myself here, ok?

>>>>>Instead of striving for perfection, strive for excellence. What is the difference? To me, it's a heart issue. We should try to do the best we can on a project, with the time, money and talent given us, for the GLORY OF GOD...rather than the glory of ourselves. It's a subtle shift, but a major one. People on the outside may not ever know the difference, but in your heart, you will know. 

I always just KNOW when I'm crossing over to the dark side. Like when I was working on Lindsay's baby shower, I wanted flat long skinny popsicle sticks, so they my paper doll center pieces would lie flat, rather than puckering.

The old Davi would have driven her wheels off to every store in search of sticks that did not exist. The new Davi called a few stores, got all angsty.....but eventually recognized that these sticks probably didn't exist, and instead worked with the sticks from Michaels.

My dolls puckered a bit. They were NOT perfect. But I ended up having fun with it.

Nobody cared. Because it didn't really matter.

But still, initially, I had to fight an internal battle over it. 

Someone striving for perfectionism will try their hardest on a task, never being satisfied, always wishing for the impossible. It's not realistic.

Someone striving for excellence will be satisfied that they did the best they could. They don't compare themselves to others. Let's just face it. Some people are more talented. For example, when I was in art class, we had to draw a pumpkin. I spent hours and hours agonizing over my pumpkin drawing, yet it still didn't look real. I'm just not a talented artist. I got to class and one of the boys forgot to do the assignment. In 5 minutes flat he drew the most amazing 3D pumpkin I have ever seen. So rude. I cannot expect myself to do that. It's not realistic. 

>>>>>Perfectionists often deal in extremes. To them, things are black&white, never grey. Things are all-wonderful or all-terrible. They have an all-or-none attitude. Like in college, I had to have an A or nothing.

If they can't do something perfectly they won't even try. Because how horrible to try something and fail. Or worse, to be average. Once again, I see pride rearing its ugly head. Everyone can't be the best at everything. Heaven forbid you are average at a particular task. Average. Can you even deal with being average? I know, I know. It's a hard pill to swallow. But in the end, its good for us because it makes us more humble.

God opposes the proud, 

  but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6

And by humble I don't mean "woe is me, I'm so untalented". I'm talking about having the right perspective on who you are, compared to God.

If you are a perfectionist and you try at something and fail? Let me give you some tips. You need to realize that (1) You are pretty cool for trying, because you were brave (2) Even if you failed at one job, that does not mean YOU are a failure. So what? You screwed up on something. You are not perfect. It's ok. It means you are only human. Don't be so hard on yourself. 

And my personal favorite: 

>>>>>Perfectionists think that everyone must like them. 

This is just not rational. It is not possible for EVERYONE to like you at ALL times. Perfectionists tend to be people pleasers and go through great lengths to make people happy. And they will often push themselves to the point of ridiculous stress, just to keep the peace. Been there, done that. Don't care to go back. But I've since learned, that I am limited and can only do so much before I get diarrhea, lol. TMI. 

It's ok if someone is upset with you, if you cannot meet their expectations. 

Really?

Yes.

This one was news to me. I hate disappointing or upsetting someone. But it's inevitable. I'm human. I make mistakes. I'm going to disappoint people. Of course I should try to live at peace with people and apologize when I'm in the wrong. 

>>>>>Even if you STINK at something new, you might have tons of fun doing it.

But you will never know if you don't try. Basically, if you are a perfectionist, you are missing out on a lot of fun in life. Isn't that sad???!!!! I think so!

For example. I can't dance. I'm not coordinated. So I tend to avoid it. But it's fuuuuuuun. My sister recently gave me a workout DVD that involves some Brazillion dance moves. I look ridiculous when I'm practicing{and practicing. seriously girlfriend cannot dance} and my husband laughs at me. But I am truly having SO MUCH FUN. Who knew?



Since reading the book, I now purposely look for ways to be non-perfectionistic. Then I reward myself with a cookie. I kid.

>>>>>My husband was out of town and I was home alone with 4 boys. I suddenly got the urge to write some hand-written letters to some friends. I thought of going to target for some cute stationary. I needed something to reflect my style, right????? But I realized it was not realistic to drag 4 boys into target. The old Davi would have abandoned writing letters. All or nothing, baby. I realized that was silly. I had some perfectly serviceable stationary in my drawer.

I did not have a lot of time before dinner. So I quickly wrote on ugly stationary, before I lost my nerve, and sent them out. So if you got an ugly card, I'm kinda sorry;) But trust me. It was actually a compliment to YOU, that I had faith you would not judge.

>>>>>When I have a project that needs to get done, I give myself a set amount of time and stick to it. No more nit picking. This also means I get to bed on time because I'm not up late working. Bonus.

>>>>>Some dear friends were coming for a little visit from out of town. I was exhausted after a few days of VBS. They would be arriving at dinner time. Our budget was low and there was no time for elaborate food prep.

Quick, what do I do? Now that I am no longer a perfectionist, there are now some fun options!

"John, can we invite them over for hot dogs? And chili out of a can?"

I was getting SO excited. I LOVE hot dogs!!! We cooked frozen fries, chopped some watermelon, boiled up some corn and I even had the energy to make brownies! My house was a little messy. Of course I cleaned the boys' bathroom, on account of the whiz. The boys and I looked disheveled. We had the BEST.NIGHT.EVER.  I am a new person.

C'mon over for some hot dogs, ya hear?????

p.s. that was lonnnng and you deserve a badge if you made it this far.