on what i'm really thinking.

hi.
just my overly introspective self here today.

i was driving ollie to preschool yesterday and completely missed my turn. i was clear down to the freeway before i even noticed.

"what is wrong with me?" i muttered.

i was distracted. i mean, obviously. normally i'm so focused.

distracted by so many thoughts.
good, great and grand thoughts in one second.
and some not-so-good thoughts.
and some downright wicked thoughts just moments later.
one after another after another. i tried to ward them off but they kept on coming.

golly just a week ago i came through a trial and felt like i was on the top of the world with God.

and now? a storm cloud was starting to settle over me and I could just feel myself sliding into a black pit in my mind. i didn't know it was possible to commit so many sins in such a short amount of time all in my head. but it's possible. it's sucky how much we suck.

of course in my jesus calling devo that day i just so happen to read the following verse.

...and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinth 15:5

i know i need to work on that. because:

he that has no rule over his spirit is like a city that is broken down. Proverbs 25:28

later that day i was driving to the other side of town, towards a little "pocket" within our community...wherein lies the largest portion of homeless population in our entire town.

as soon as i get off the fwy, i lock my doors. finn and calvin are with me on our weekly trek to the after school reading program.

"hola davi, como estas???!!!" i'm enthusiastically greeted by pastor cesar, as i walk in the door. we love him.

he speaks spanish as his primary language and english as his second language. he's determined that i will speak spanish fluently one day. should i tell him i can't roll my rrrrr's?

"hola pastor cesar! estoy aci aci." meaning so/so. he laughs and correct me with "mas o menos". meaning more or less.

definitely menos.

pastor cesar and his wife maria are my mentors and heroes. when i'm with them, all my trivial worries fade away.

{i remember the night of the elections. 

president obama just won his second term.

some republicans were ticked.

some democrats were gloating.

i sat on the couch at my friend's house listening to pastor cesar emphatically and zealously tell us his plans to reform his little part of town: 

by getting us involved.

but more importantly by getting the impoverished people of his community excited and involved.

and it hits me:

it doesn't really matter who is in the white house.

the only way people are going to effect change is through people like pastor cesar. 

and by ordinary people like you and me seeing their vision and joining them. 

like david platt said. we are plan A. there is no plan B. 

one person at a time reaching out and saving another person by reaching their heart for Christ. and then the life transformation will follow. end of political rant.} 

sometimes at the reading program, we read.

but it's what happens in the margins that fascinates me.

i normally gravitate toward the boys there because i know how to talk ninjago and star wars.
i also do well with the younger girls because i adore rapunzel.

but the older tween girls? they make me nervous.

{i taught high school for one year and then retired. no lie. i was 21. with no credential or student teaching. do they even let you do that anymore?
anyway. my high school girls were pills. they would never stop talking and I was like "hush" and they were like "whatevs" and would roll their eyes at me. and i would go home and cry. baha. i was lame back then. and hopelessly idealistic. i thought i was going to waltz in and change their world in one fell swoop.}

so yesterday when pastor cesar asked me to stay behind with Maria and chat with 3 of the older girls, i felt completely awk. maria took out a devotional book and just wanted us to spend some time talking with them.

because in that little 'pocket' community, there is a higher rate of teen pregnancies than the other parts of this town. i've repeatedly seen babies holding babies. it breaks my heart. the cycle of poverty is way harsh.

these 3 girls sat looking at me with expectant eyes. and something in me snapped and i no longer cared how stupid i sounded. desperate times call for desperate measures. i just had to tell them, to save their lives:

"don't get pregnant"
"wait til you are married"
"you could get AIDS. you could die!"

one of the {beautiful} girls looked at me and said "what? you could get AIDS from doing that? i had no idea!" and she covered her mouth in horror.

(and now we are for some reason resuming capitals)

Poor thing. She has no mother. Her father is raising 3 kids by himself. Of course she wouldn't know these things.

We talked some more about God's amazing plan for their lives and how things were supposed to go. And they listened with wide eyes.
Like really listened. And asked questions and were reallllly interested.

It was really cool.

I think these girls need me.

And I need them.

I had no idea that day what God was up to. That he would let me be part of his awesome plan 'A' that day to help transform the community in a small way...and maybe one less girl will get pregnant.

But God did let me be part of His plan. He's so good to me even on the day when I was sinning right and left and failing Him in every conceivable way. It's only by His grace.

That drive home, my brain was completely cleared of distractions. No more storm clouds.
This little community sure has a way of putting things into perspective for me. I think they help me more than I help them.

(and back to no caps)

just a little peek into my brain today. sorry if it was messy. just so tired of pretending to be perfect all the time.

on a separate note, i just read in yahoo news that brides are now wearing black dresses. what do you think of that? black is actually one of my colors. my dad says so.