First I'd like to say a HUGE thank you on behalf of myself and Love-Water.org for all your tee-shirt orders from all over the country...and even outside the country. Seriously blown away. You guys rock. xxoo.
And the winners of my dream tee are:
1. Jessica Hope
2. Katie Lee
3. Shelly Smith
Congratulations girls! I will be contacting ya'll, one by one, so bear with me!
Click on my sidebar to get to Love-Water.org to make a donation or buy tshirts/jewelry. They have some new jewelry in the shop! I have my eye on a dog tag necklace...
continued from When you don't get what you were expecting.
An hour later, ER doc pops his head through the door with a triumphant smile.
"I have some good news for you. Your bloodwork confirms that you are very pregnant. There was a mix up with the urine samples in the lab."
Whoops.
A year or so later, that same ER dr came to my house and bought my pool table off of craigslist.
Awkward much?
Anyhow, a few days later another ultrasound confirmed a beating heart.
"Thank you Jesus!" I knew baby #3 was a miracle.
At my 20 week ultrasound, we decided to peek at gender again.
I was nervous.
What if baby #3 had a cyst too? One bad ultrasound tends to sap joy from subsequent ones.
But no. Baby #3 did not have a cyst. But he did have a wee wee...
Laying on the ultrasound table I exclaimed "NOOOOOOOOOO!".
And my face turned beet red from the shock of it all. After all, this was to be my 3rd c-section and final child. John was done.
The ultrasound tech chuckled good-naturedly over my dismay and so I couldn't help but laugh too.
Back in the waiting room, I called my family and relayed the news in front of strangers.The strangers tried to console me with "our girls are soooo dramatic and hard" and "at least you don't have to go broke from a wedding!".
To which I replied, "I don't mind hard and I wanted to go broke from just one wedding!".
And I think my face stayed red for days. There was to be no little pitter-patter of girly feet down my hallways. I guess I subconsciously just expected that I was going to have 2 boys and a girl. And now, this was not going to happen.
And I was disappointed. And moped about it for around 2 weeks. Which I think is ok. I faced facts, dealt with it and then got the disappointment out of my system.
Then I found some super cute fabric from Strawberry Patches to make a blankie and diaper case. All of my hope in humanity was restored. I secretly started embroidering the name "Ollie" on his stuff.
When Oliver John made his entrance to this world, this mama was completely smitten. Once again, I reverted to proud mama showing off her baby.
photo to left by Ellie Grover.
A little while later I started blogging and Little Band of Brothers was born.
I was fortunate to have many friends with baby boys that year. I was in baby boy heaven.
I FULLY embraced having 3 boys and was blissfully ignorant of anyone who thought otherwise. Life was great. I was completely content as mama of all boys.
Then baby fever hit again. John said no. But things happen...and I was pregnant with baby #4.
Around 7 weeks along, I started bleeding a LOT. It felt like a rerun of Ollie's pregnancy, but worse. After my OB examined me she said "I think you are having a miscarriage", confirming my worst suspicions. I was crushed because I didn't think John would want to try again.
However. An ultrasound confirmed that baby #4 was alive and well (Lorie took my Jem maternity photo, lol, I was barely pregnant).
At that point, I didn't care at all what gender I was having. I was already used to having all boys and baby #4 was just icing on the cake. I was flooded with thanksgiving at the chance of having another baby. Oh how I loved babies. We couldn't wait to share our happy news that Halloween.
I do remember driving up to the snow that winter with John and the 3 boys. They were all making horrid boy noises and I remember threatening John with "this baby had better be a girl!" But that was as far as my thoughts went. Since this was going to be our last baby, I wanted to go out with a bang and be surprised by gender. I knew my older sister Jessica was not going to be happy about this, because she hates surprises.
So at the ultrasound, the tech wrote down the gender and we mailed it off to Jessica without peeking. Aside from God and the ultra sound tech, Jessica is the only person on the planet who knew the gender of my baby. To this day, I cannot believe I gave her that much power;)
We scheduled c-section #4 and finally my big day was here. I was nervous.
When John saw the gender, he laughed and said "Just as I expected!"
Once again, I was shocked. You would think by now I would have gotten used to this news. But no!
As an infant, Twain Orion was the most precious chunky thing I had ever seen and it was impossible not to love each and every ounce of his chubby thighs.
Twain has been completely cherished and adored by all members of this family. He's a spoiled one, that's for sure, mostly with attention by his brothers. He will always be the baby. As it should be.
In the days that followed I put on my happy face...because I was happy...but it was a little different this time. I was somehow aware that I had disappointed people. People had been rooting for me to have a girl and I did not deliver the goods. It was an odd feeling and I didn't know what to do about it.
Normally I could weasel and fudge my way out of any uncomfortable situation, but not this time. I was stuck and it was out of my control. I now had 4 boys in a world that was telling me that I need boys and girls. Something had shifted in the world. Or maybe it was always there and I had never noticed it before.
First it was a reckless comment here or there. And then it got more frequent. Some comments were indirect like "I don't want a boy."
Way harsh Tai.
or "Boy clothes are so ugly. Girl clothes are so much more fun". Whatevs people, whatevs. I heart boy clothes. Fine. There are some horrid boy clothes out there, I concede to that point.
However like Meg said in comments from my last post:
Which is what I learned during my pregnancy with Calvin. Babies are not accessories. Not sent here just to make us look and feel good. However, I don't see any problem in taking some joy in dressing your kids, as long as it's kept in proper perspective.
And then there were more direct comments like "Omygosh, you have 4 boys??!! I'd rather die!" or "You need a girl". I loved my boys with every ounce of my being and so I took it too much to heart.
But on and on it went...until slowly a seed of discontent was planted in my otherwise happy and contented heart.
The funny part is...I was always happy with my boys...now I'm being told I need a girl. I think I was more hung up on the fact that people felt sorry for me than the fact that I didn't have a girl!!!
2) Don't be so sensitive about what people say and think. Don't take it to heart. They just weren't thinking. They aren't giving it another thought so why should you? I can honestly say that I am no longer bothered by people's crazy comments. I smile and move on. I mean, sometimes I make an ornery remark...;) Besides, there are so many kind people to my boys, I am not going to focus on the negative.
3) Don't let the gender of your child become an idol! A few years ago, I read a book that first started to jolt me from all this gender nonsense. I learned about idols.
If I fill in the blank with anything other than God himself, then that is an idol.
Now, there is nothing sinful about wanting a particular gender. But if that is your source of joy and it takes top priority in your life...if you cannot be happy without that gender child...then that is your god.
I think in my case, I was more idolizing people's opinion:
4) Don't live in a barren wasteland of your own making. The person who is only focused on what he wants does not even notice when good things happen to him, because he is so preoccupied on what he thinks he wants( Elyse Fitzpatrick, Idols of the Heart). Something good could bite him on the nose and he wouldn't notice!
That was starting to happen to me. I had a GREAT life. I was madly in love with my little boys and my joy was being robbed. Don't let that happen! Such a waste of your life. Don't live in a barren waste land of your own making. Be thankful for what you have.
6)Choose joy! Or be miserable. It's up to you.
Do you want to know one of my secrets of joy? Plan surprises for people and have your little helpers carry it out for you. It can be as simple as a colored card with a little treat inside. Whenever my focus is off of myself, I feel more joyful.
As for me, I am not going to let anyone rain on my parade.
And the winners of my dream tee are:
1. Jessica Hope
2. Katie Lee
3. Shelly Smith
Congratulations girls! I will be contacting ya'll, one by one, so bear with me!
Click on my sidebar to get to Love-Water.org to make a donation or buy tshirts/jewelry. They have some new jewelry in the shop! I have my eye on a dog tag necklace...
>>>>>>><<<<<<<
continued from When you don't get what you were expecting.
An hour later, ER doc pops his head through the door with a triumphant smile.
"I have some good news for you. Your bloodwork confirms that you are very pregnant. There was a mix up with the urine samples in the lab."
Whoops.
A year or so later, that same ER dr came to my house and bought my pool table off of craigslist.
Awkward much?
Anyhow, a few days later another ultrasound confirmed a beating heart.
"Thank you Jesus!" I knew baby #3 was a miracle.
At my 20 week ultrasound, we decided to peek at gender again.
I was nervous.
What if baby #3 had a cyst too? One bad ultrasound tends to sap joy from subsequent ones.
But no. Baby #3 did not have a cyst. But he did have a wee wee...
Laying on the ultrasound table I exclaimed "NOOOOOOOOOO!".
And my face turned beet red from the shock of it all. After all, this was to be my 3rd c-section and final child. John was done.
The ultrasound tech chuckled good-naturedly over my dismay and so I couldn't help but laugh too.
Back in the waiting room, I called my family and relayed the news in front of strangers.The strangers tried to console me with "our girls are soooo dramatic and hard" and "at least you don't have to go broke from a wedding!".
To which I replied, "I don't mind hard and I wanted to go broke from just one wedding!".
And I think my face stayed red for days. There was to be no little pitter-patter of girly feet down my hallways. I guess I subconsciously just expected that I was going to have 2 boys and a girl. And now, this was not going to happen.
And I was disappointed. And moped about it for around 2 weeks. Which I think is ok. I faced facts, dealt with it and then got the disappointment out of my system.
Then I found some super cute fabric from Strawberry Patches to make a blankie and diaper case. All of my hope in humanity was restored. I secretly started embroidering the name "Ollie" on his stuff.
When Oliver John made his entrance to this world, this mama was completely smitten. Once again, I reverted to proud mama showing off her baby.
photo to left by Ellie Grover.
A little while later I started blogging and Little Band of Brothers was born.
I was fortunate to have many friends with baby boys that year. I was in baby boy heaven.
I FULLY embraced having 3 boys and was blissfully ignorant of anyone who thought otherwise. Life was great. I was completely content as mama of all boys.
Then baby fever hit again. John said no. But things happen...and I was pregnant with baby #4.
Around 7 weeks along, I started bleeding a LOT. It felt like a rerun of Ollie's pregnancy, but worse. After my OB examined me she said "I think you are having a miscarriage", confirming my worst suspicions. I was crushed because I didn't think John would want to try again.
However. An ultrasound confirmed that baby #4 was alive and well (Lorie took my Jem maternity photo, lol, I was barely pregnant).
At that point, I didn't care at all what gender I was having. I was already used to having all boys and baby #4 was just icing on the cake. I was flooded with thanksgiving at the chance of having another baby. Oh how I loved babies. We couldn't wait to share our happy news that Halloween.
I do remember driving up to the snow that winter with John and the 3 boys. They were all making horrid boy noises and I remember threatening John with "this baby had better be a girl!" But that was as far as my thoughts went. Since this was going to be our last baby, I wanted to go out with a bang and be surprised by gender. I knew my older sister Jessica was not going to be happy about this, because she hates surprises.
So at the ultrasound, the tech wrote down the gender and we mailed it off to Jessica without peeking. Aside from God and the ultra sound tech, Jessica is the only person on the planet who knew the gender of my baby. To this day, I cannot believe I gave her that much power;)
We scheduled c-section #4 and finally my big day was here. I was nervous.
When John saw the gender, he laughed and said "Just as I expected!"
Once again, I was shocked. You would think by now I would have gotten used to this news. But no!
As an infant, Twain Orion was the most precious chunky thing I had ever seen and it was impossible not to love each and every ounce of his chubby thighs.
Twain has been completely cherished and adored by all members of this family. He's a spoiled one, that's for sure, mostly with attention by his brothers. He will always be the baby. As it should be.
In the days that followed I put on my happy face...because I was happy...but it was a little different this time. I was somehow aware that I had disappointed people. People had been rooting for me to have a girl and I did not deliver the goods. It was an odd feeling and I didn't know what to do about it.
Normally I could weasel and fudge my way out of any uncomfortable situation, but not this time. I was stuck and it was out of my control. I now had 4 boys in a world that was telling me that I need boys and girls. Something had shifted in the world. Or maybe it was always there and I had never noticed it before.
First it was a reckless comment here or there. And then it got more frequent. Some comments were indirect like "I don't want a boy."
Way harsh Tai.
or "Boy clothes are so ugly. Girl clothes are so much more fun". Whatevs people, whatevs. I heart boy clothes. Fine. There are some horrid boy clothes out there, I concede to that point.
However like Meg said in comments from my last post:
It makes me really sad. Because a baby is a person that God has entrusted us parents with.
They come to earth to fulfill their own special mission, not to be someone's dress up toy.
They are not dolls, they are people.
Which is what I learned during my pregnancy with Calvin. Babies are not accessories. Not sent here just to make us look and feel good. However, I don't see any problem in taking some joy in dressing your kids, as long as it's kept in proper perspective.
And then there were more direct comments like "Omygosh, you have 4 boys??!! I'd rather die!" or "You need a girl". I loved my boys with every ounce of my being and so I took it too much to heart.
Most of the comments were actually from kind people who loved me and honestly didn't mean to hurt me at all. They just weren't thinking. Or I was being too sensitive.
You are not complete/happy unless you have a girl.
The funny part is...I was always happy with my boys...now I'm being told I need a girl. I think I was more hung up on the fact that people felt sorry for me than the fact that I didn't have a girl!!!
What is the disappointed person supposed to do or say when things didn't go their way?
When they didn't get the gender they were hoping for/expecting?
1) I think when you find out disappointing news, it's ok to take a moment and acknowledge it, to get it out of your system. But then come back from it, ya hear? We've got some work to do!
First of all, I feel compassion for you, I do. Life has disappointments. Everyone in life faces disappointment. It's part of being human. But here are some things that can help you.
2) Don't be so sensitive about what people say and think. Don't take it to heart. They just weren't thinking. They aren't giving it another thought so why should you? I can honestly say that I am no longer bothered by people's crazy comments. I smile and move on. I mean, sometimes I make an ornery remark...;) Besides, there are so many kind people to my boys, I am not going to focus on the negative.
3) Don't let the gender of your child become an idol! A few years ago, I read a book that first started to jolt me from all this gender nonsense. I learned about idols.
"Give me this or I'll die"
or "I need this in order to be happy" is the cry of an idolater.
Elyse Fitzpatrick, Idols of the Heart.
If I fill in the blank with anything other than God himself, then that is an idol.
Now, there is nothing sinful about wanting a particular gender. But if that is your source of joy and it takes top priority in your life...if you cannot be happy without that gender child...then that is your god.
I think in my case, I was more idolizing people's opinion:
"I need to be respected and not criticized in order to be happy"
4) Don't live in a barren wasteland of your own making. The person who is only focused on what he wants does not even notice when good things happen to him, because he is so preoccupied on what he thinks he wants( Elyse Fitzpatrick, Idols of the Heart). Something good could bite him on the nose and he wouldn't notice!
What do you notice about the man who trusts in something other than God?
He's never satisfied.
He's like a thirsty bush in the desert, a bramble in the wilderness.
What could be more dissatisfying?
Elyse Fitzpatrick, Idols of the Heart.
Elyse Fitzpatrick, Idols of the Heart.
That was starting to happen to me. I had a GREAT life. I was madly in love with my little boys and my joy was being robbed. Don't let that happen! Such a waste of your life. Don't live in a barren waste land of your own making. Be thankful for what you have.
5. Dig deep to find your life's purpose to rise above our superficial gender obsessed culture.
My purpose is:
to glorify God
to love people
to share his gospel
to please Him. period.
Do any of the above depend on having a child or the gender of your child? No and no! If He has given you these kids...it would please Him if you were thankful, right?
6)Choose joy! Or be miserable. It's up to you.
Do you want to know one of my secrets of joy? Plan surprises for people and have your little helpers carry it out for you. It can be as simple as a colored card with a little treat inside. Whenever my focus is off of myself, I feel more joyful.
As for me, I am not going to let anyone rain on my parade.
I've been reading for a while. I love your blog & your precious precious family! You inspire me and put things into perspective. Thank you for that. ;)
ReplyDeleteDavi I love this. It's so sweet and fun to hear about how your boys came into your life. It's also an encouragement to me with our own particular family story and how it looks and will look different from the "norm". God gives each of us a different journey and story and family and I love how unique He is in each one :)
ReplyDeleteLove this! And oh my lanta LOVE your boys' Halloween costumes!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI come from a family of 4 girls, so I know the comments: "Oh your poor dad" and "are they all yours {to my mom}?" My dad prayed for a daughter {me} and then he prayed for me to have a sister {check} and then he prayed for healthy babies {check and check!} so Dad knew what he was asking for! :)
Thanks for your great perspective. I like the statement "if it's anything but God, it's an idol," because that is a great reminder and rule of thumb to keep in mind. Thanks for sharing!
I've been reading your blog for years. I think I found it right after I had my first child, a boy. He was my everything. I adored having a boy. And your blog made me want to have a second boy when I found out I was pregnant with baby #2, who turned out to be a boy. When I found out I was pregnant with #3 I wanted a boy at first. Then out of nowhere I wanted a girl. Like fierce. So I prayed about it, but God didn't remove the desire for a girl from my heart. We found out around 20 weeks that it was a girl. Her birth was traumatic, and I'm now physically incapable of having more children. I can see now in retrospect that God placed this desire on my heart so I would be ready to welcome her with joy. So I have two boys and a girl. Beautiful, wonderful children who make my heart sing. But...I hate it when people say, "I'm sure you're glad you got your girl." Um...yes, she's a wonderful gift from God, but so are my boys.
ReplyDeleteI love this post!
I love this post so much. I look at my daughter and think, boy or girl, that is MY child and I love them for who they are. If the next one is a girl, then bring it on! I'd love a house full of girls! If the next ten kids are girls, then I am meant for that. But goodness, I better not have ten kids ;)
ReplyDeleteMy mom, the mother of four girls, always said "I just make girl babies." It's just how it is!
Oh, those 6 steps are so good. I'm writing them down so I'll remember them. Thanks for sharing your story and for the perspective!
ReplyDeletelove this. great advice and great post!
ReplyDeleteSuch a great post! I love your steps to accepting what you have been given, especially the part about making something your idol. Our opinions and the way we handle situations are really based on what we've gone through in our lives (just like your opinion has been shaped by being a mom to four boys). Becoming a mother has been a difficult journey for me. I've had to learn the hard way that God is in control and I feel closer to him when I accept his will and am grateful for what he has given me. I feel honored that you quoted me! I just hope I don't sound too brash by saying babies are not our dolls to dress up. They are fun to dress, boys and girls! I've just never had the luxury of wishing for one or the other... I've just been grateful that God has allowed me to have the baby that I've had. You're great Davi! I love how you show God's hand and understanding in your life.
ReplyDeleteBut speaking of dressing babies... where do you like to buy those cute clothes for your boys? Your kids always look so darling!
oh i didn't think you sounded too brash! i understood what you meant:)
Deleteand lol, i like to buy my boys the shaun white stuff at target and i like some of the tees from crewcut kids. i like adidas sambas shoes. and occasionally some other places but it's hit or miss!
I LOVE that you have your sweet boys, it's so fun reading about them!!
ReplyDeleteI cannot stand the comments made to me "you have to have another, your husband needs a boy!"
ha..wow..that one drives me bonkers.
I love my little one..didn't have a care what she was as long as she was healthy!
So glad I have been reading your blog for the last week or so, I so needed to hear this! As a mom of 2 sweet boys I would love to have another, boy or girl, but my husband doesn't want anymore and lately it is all I can think about, the baby I don't have. Thank you for reminding me that I need to focus on what I do have and enjoy it!
ReplyDeleteOh and I cannot tell you how many people ask me when are you going to try for a girl?!Which gets to me so bad!!
yes, enjoy every ounce of them! they are a gift! and don't let people's comments get to you. they just don't realize what they are saying.
Deletelove it!! and oh my goodness i love your boy's names!!
ReplyDeleteLove this! You took the words right out of my mouth. I can't take it went people feel sorry for my, although, every once in awhile no matter how much I love being a mom to boys, when those boy noises and smells start I start to feel sorry for myself. ;) I too was disappointed at ultrasounds #2 and #3 and have felt guilty about it before. But I finally wrapped my head around why and was able to explain after ultrasounds #3. It wasn't that I didn't want another boy. I WANTED A DAUGHTER. I don't care how much girl clothes would cost, or how much the wedding would cost. I have purchased new clothes for each of my boys anyway! I love how you announced on Halloween. And I absolutely want to squeeze Twain as a baby. TOO SWEET!
ReplyDeleteoh davi... what a great post.
ReplyDeleteand i can totally relate too.
you know i have three girls... and i get the same thing about not having a boy.
it is sad... especially b/c my girls are so so precious to me.
i can't imagine switching one out just for the sake of blue!
can you?
i can say that at our u/s for our third we did find out the gender.
it was the first and only time we did.
like you, i thought we'd have 2 girls and one boy.
nope... another girl it was.
it took me a bit of time to process (both of us, actually) but then it was all good.
we were thrilled with another baby.
we kept the gender a surprise to everyone and when she was born, you could tell people were 'disappointed' it wasn't a boy.
what a shame.
and it still makes me sad.
it's true... in our gender obsessed culture no one has the perfect family unless you have at least one of each gender.
and this is further from the truth.
God has ordained our families perfectly.
He has placed these children in our love and care...
He's entrusted these kiddos to us... how can we be anything BUT thankful and full of praise to our King?!?
anyway... thanks for sharing your heart.
i know this can be a touchy subject.
i hope people come at it with good spirits though.
love ya!
xo
Love this Davi! This really hit close to my heart since I have two boys and now am unable to have any more children. I love my boys more than I could ever say but I always imagined I would have a daughter as well. It was very hard to close that door knowing it would never be opened. I appreciate your words and they really mean alot.
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing your heart. it's always tough when a door closes. my sympathies.
DeleteLove it so much Davi! You are such a precious Mommy, and I think it is such an honor that God chose you and your husband to raise up FOUR leaders for the next generation. Love it.
ReplyDeleteAmen Davi!!! I feel the same way about my guys. God gives us all exactly what is in His will. I never cared much about having a boy/girl. I just wanted my babies!!! Having kids, no matter what gender, can be hard at times. But it's always a gift from God. He teaches us through wht we go through and face so that we can teach them. Thanks for sharing you boy-mama story. I love it.
ReplyDeleteI love this post. It's a beautiful testimony of God knowing what we need much better than we do.
ReplyDeleteIt's always been strange to me that people ask what gender you want when you're having a baby. It's like asking what kind of weather you want tomorrow--you have NO control, so why get your heart set on something?
Babies are such a beautiful, incredible blessing. They are little testimonies of God's grace and goodness where our future is concerned. God knew that you and your husband would be able to raise four godly men--leaders, protectors, warriors, defenders, compassionate friends and partners. God bless you as you continue to navigate parenthood. Thank you for sharing this! It has encouraged me so much.
Your family story is great! Love the UPS idea.
ReplyDeleteadorable /// god must have know there was a need for a good mama to raise godly men...so he gave you boys :)
ReplyDeletemy sister has 3 boys and she cried for days when she found out #3 was another boy!!! no b/c she wasn't happy but b/c she knew she was done and would never have a daughter. I told her i'd share mine with her ;)
great story!! beautiful family!
you have such a cute blog!!
ReplyDeletexo
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