4 kids later...

...and there are still times I do not know what I am doing.

Last tuesday was the low point. Twain would scream hysterically every time we put him down. My arms were tired and I needed to rest.

In my entire career as a mom, I have only purchased one baby contraption: a little swing. Everything else was a gift or hand-me down.

So when I urgently sent mom out to babies 'r us to buy a hideously blue-colored boppy bouncer, you know I was desperate. I had previously vowed that only tan or grey neutral items would step foot in my house. But this bouncer came recommended by a friend. She said is was very snug and made it feel like someone was holding the baby. And did I mention my desperation???

I think Finn and Calvin were more excited about it than anyone. 

$54.99 later and the boy is still screaming.

Mom, John and I were completely outnumbered. We needed back-up. Heck, we needed back-up for the back-up. 

That evening, Twain was screaming again. I had just fed him. Mom and I were delirous at this point and had no idea what we were doing.

Is Twain hungry?

or,

Is Twain gassy?

Do we give him a bottle?

Or will this make him even more gassy?

On and on we went. You'd think he was our first.

By now, my tiny newborn is screaming and kicking like a wild little donkey. It was really something else to witness such fury from someone so small. Finally we caved and gave him a little formula, which he guzzled.

My child was starving. Starving, I tell you.

Normally I have no qualms about giving the baby formula, especially in the beginning. But it can be a slippery slope--some babies get lazy, and I feared this was going to be the case with Twain.

But....

he was quiet. And calm. And happy.

and he loved his new bouncer.(above photo by Lorie)

I pretty much thought my nursing career was over. I'm kind of melodramatic when it comes to nursing. I always vow, each pregnancy, that I am not going to be as neurotic.

But when my baby is hungry and unhappy, then I am unhappy. And every cry starts to sound the same to my sensitive ears.

feed me!

Feed Me!

FEED ME!

Even if the baby was crying for no good reason at all. Which we all know that babies do from time to time. 

I decided that if Twain was going to quit on me, then I was gonna go down in a blaze of glory, trying to increase my milk supply.

So, I did what any reasonable person would do.

In all of 10 minutes,

I ate 2 steaks

and a hamburger

and guzzled half a gallon of water until I was dizzy.

I ate like a pig for the rest of the night. It helped some, but not as much as it should. My milk supply was still kind of slugglish. Which was odd for me.

I suspected that my pain killer Darvocet was partly to blame. One of its side effects is drowziness. If it could slow my brain down, who knows what else it was slowing down?

So even though I was not entirely ready to bid the Darvocet goodbye, I switched to Advil, to see what would happen. The next day my supply DRAMATICALLY INCREASED. 

That sneaky Darvocet. Or perhaps it was just coincidence. Or the combination between Darvocet and not eating enough. I will probably never know for sure. 

And the Twain boy is a new baby. He has been downgraded from a category 5 tropical storm to a gentle breeze of wind on a warm sunny day. Well, not exactly, but in comparison to what he used to be...

Now that he is no longer starving, he actually SLEEPS. He sleeps a lot. Dare I say he is mellow after all? And he can go at least 2.5 to 3 hours between feedings. Sorry about all my ramblings, but if this helps anyone to hang in there with the nursing, then it was worth it:) It can be so hard in the beginning.

And the best part is, I have been able to rest so much more and so my incision is healing much better. I am still on Advil, but am gradually decreasing my dosages. I am still recovering and am not back to my old self(ie. I still can't sew yet). But day by day I am able to do more and more, as I putz around the house. I am very pleased with the overall progress of my recovery. And to spur me on, I even ordered some fabric online for when I can sew again.

In the meanwhile, I will just hang out on my deck and dream of all the little things I will get to make Twain someday.