part4:grateful

I went home and begged John to stay home from school the next day. Things still felt so unstable and I was hesitant to move one inch off the couch.

One of my favorite things about John is how carefree he is. He does not tend to worry about anything. That night, this did not work in my favor. "You'll be fine", he said, "I'm not taking the day off". In his mind, he really and truly thought that I would be just fine by myself. He really did. And it was maddening. I begged and pleaded to no avail.

I swallowed my pride and asked Ellie to help me that morning. She was so sweet. She brought over a pitcher of orange juice and made us blueberry muffins for breakfast. And for lunch, she made us her killer mac n' cheese. All this, while I stayed nailed to my couch. I was so thankful for her help, and I can't wait to be that helpful to some poor soul one day. Perhaps a daughter-in-law with morning sickness??

The next day it was time to get my blood drawn again. It was saturday, and all the labs closed at noon. I was supposed to get it drawn much later that evening, at the 48-hour mark, but they would all be closed then. So, I got my blood drawn early. There was nothing I could do about that.

Over that weekend, I knew my doctor's office would be closed and that I would not find out the results til monday. And I was perfectly ok with that. Truth was, I was happy to have a break from all the commotion and fuss. I just wanted to relax and not think about anything.

Monday morning came and went.

No call from the doctor's office.

Waiting, waiting.

By 2pm I called and left a message.

More waiting.

A nurse finally called back around 4pm and apologized for the delay--my doctor was not in that day. The nurse basically said that my numbers were inconclusive, since I was not able to wait at least 48 hours. However, at least the numbers did go up some. My doctor would call the next day.

The next day I got a call from the office, and my doctor agreed that the numbers were a bit inconclusive, since I was not able to wait at least 48 hours. She said, "The most important thing is, the numbers did go up".

She did not want to re-test the numbers. She thought that would be overkill. I agreed.

She did want that other ultrasound though. I did too.

So we scheduled for friday, at 1:30pm.

The next few days I settled into a routine of nausea, nausea, and more nausea. And exhaustion. If nothing else, this was at least a good sign. My numbers may have been inconclusive, but I felt pretty darn pregnant.

Friday finally came. Lorie offered to watch my boys while I had my ultrasound. I gratefully accepted her help. She was so sweet and brought us all lunch. She was a bit disturbed to see me going to my ultrasound all by myself, but I assured her I would be fine. Sometimes having someone looking at me all sympathetic just makes me more upset.

When I got to the waiting room, it was completely empty. Everyone was at lunch, so I waited around a bit.

I caught a glimpse of the blond tech and craned my head to see her name tag. No luck. I prayed I would not get her.

And thankfully, I did not! I got an older blond lady, who was so nice and friendly. She greeted me cheerfully as she introduced herself. I lay down on the table, and she accidentally lowered it too far. She looked over to find me, and the table, practically lowered to the floor. We both got a big laugh out of that.

And then she went to work, clicking here and there. She was very chatty.

Almost instantly, we could both see the heart beat. It already looked so different. Last time, the baby was practically one big blob of heartbeat. This time, you could see a more proportionate heartbeat, centered in the middle of the baby. It was amazing. The tech said everything looked just fine. I give all praise to God!

She explained that the round circle was the yolk sack, which she liked to call the baby's backpack:)

I realize baby still looks like a bit of a blob in this picture. She said it was now measuring 7 weeks and 3 days, which was just as expected, based on the last ultrasound.

The heart rate was 144.

I know what some of you are thinking...heart rate of a boy...

I tucked my picture into my purse and skipped home.

I arrived to a warm house smelling of yummy homemade mac n' cheese. Lorie had made a delicious dinner for my family that night. I felt so truly blessed. Thanks again, Lorie.

That night, I went on a little road trip, for the first time since having kids. I had so much fun, even though I was nauseous and tired. I don't think Lorie and Ellie had ever seen me in such a state. I complained that it was too windy...and the music was too loud....They were such troopers and just laughed with good humor. Some people just glide and glow through pregnancy. Not me. I am a train wreck.

Here are some maternity photos Lorie took of me the next day, in the crumbling house. I was 7 weeks and 4 days. Thanks so much for documenting this special time, Lorie!!!





My waist has popped out quite a bit in the past week.

And that brings me to today. As I type, I am 11 weeks and 2 days.

I am still sick. I typically stay sick till the 20 week mark. I am trying not to think about this.

I have not bled since that one incident. After all I have been through, I am just so thankful to God. I am so grateful to be pregnant, I don't even really care what the gender is.

In fact, as of 2 days ago, John and I decided NOT to find out the gender when our 20 week ultrasound rolls around.

Here is me, ducking behind my computer, to avoid the shoes you are throwing at me.

I have no patience for people who don't peek, so I understand if this irks you.

Why aren't I curious? Maybe because I am just too sick to see beyond my own nose. Or maybe because the ultrasound sounds so far away, in January.

And maybe I am just all talk right now. I may cave as the days get closer.

If it's a girl? That would be a wild and fun curiosity of sorts. I cannot even imagine the commotion of having a little girl in this house. So, if you are thinking pink, go right ahead! Though I much prefer the color "dull eggplant", with smatterings of mustard yellow:)

And if it's a boy? Wow. Heaven help me! I would not be disappointed though. If anything, I would feel the great privilege of trying to train up 4 godly boys to be lights in such a dark world.

Either way, I just feel grateful and after reading my story I hope you can understand my sentiments!