January 31, 2014

on why i won't tail your car.

Ummm hi. I supposed I ought to be ashamed of myself for my unexplained leave of absence.

Quotes posted on my facebook page from my sisters: "So I checked out your blog today. Cobwebs and tumble weeds blowing by...just saying."

and "Yea, I think I heard a lone wolf howl sadly when I checked it earlier. Nobody even howled back."

and "So, no pressure, but your blog is lonely. FYI."

Gotta love sisters!

I just needed a break after blogging 6 years straight. Sorry I didn't say "Hey, I'm taking a break!"...But at the time, I really didn't mean to stop and it felt so drastic to say anything, so I just went into denial and stuck my head in the sand and vanished.

Popping my head back out though and thankfully blogger didn't require a new magic password.

Took a road trip up to mama's house yesterday to help her recover from surgery.

Did a little schooling by the fire, which warmed my heart.

Mom took a beautiful walk outside with us. So proud of her.

Yesterday we sat on her bed and she told me a thing or two that really hit me.

She had listened to a talk by Joni Eareckson Tada that morning, and wanted to tell me about it.

I kinda braced myself and held my breath...Joni is intense.

For those of you unfamiliar with Joni, she dived into water that was too shallow and broke her neck...and is now a parapalegic. When she was younger, she tried to kill herself a few times, because she couldn't handle being paralyzed. She prayed "Lord, if I can't die, please help me live" and that was the turning point in her life, for the better. 

People often ask her "Aren't you so excited to get to heaven and walk?"

At one point in her life she would have said "YES".  She had even pursued healing.

But now? Things have changed. She feels she HAS received healing...but a deeper sort of healing that only few attain. She is grateful for her trials, which have squeezed all her sin and pride out of her, to bring that deeper healing...to bring her to the point where she can honestly say, that when she gets to heaven, she doesn't even care about walking. All she wants to do in heaven is have a heart that brings God glory.

Wow, what?! How does someone even get to that point to have such a good attitude. I just sat there stunned and inspired. Mom and I sat on her bed, crying {and laughing} that we were crying.

Meet Rufio, their crazed goat.

As I drove home that night up a windy road, a truck pulled in front of me, going 2 miles an hour.

Now, I am not an aggressive driver, but this was just too much annoyance for even me to bear.

I started to tail him. Just a little. I was feeling a little rushed and stressed and wanted to make it over the pass before it snowed, and this was just too much. HURRY UP TRUCK!

And then I thought of Joni. And how all she desired was a heart that brought HIM glory.

Was my heart bringing God glory right now?

No. I was being selfish and worried.

All of a sudden, my feisty rage drained right out of me. I prayed silently "Lord please help me love this man, who is doing his best to drive. Please help me trust you to get home, despite the weather conditions".

And then I thought of a broken relationship that had been grieving me for some time. And I realized that my heart was not bringing glory to God in that either. I realized I had been holding on to hurt feelings and pride...stubborn pride...because things hadn't gone the way I wanted it to, so therefore I wasn't going to let things go{completely} in my heart of hearts.

And all of a sudden, I felt all that pride drain completely out of me. Because I would rather have my heart bring God glory than hold onto a stupid grudge.

And I was left sitting in my car, feeling empty and drained of everything...there was nothing left to me. Yet I never felt so whole. And feeling optimistic and hopeful that God can bring deeper healing to the most stubborn of hearts.