March 21, 2013

when you don't get what you were expecting.

No matter where I am, no matter what group of girls I'm with, the same topic of conversation comes up time and time again:

The gender of our children.

Personally I'm starting to think our culture is a tad obsessed with gender.

But as long as the conversation is all in good fun, I don't see the harm.

I get it.

It's fun to talk about. Mostly.

girl names vs boy names.
the clothes.
the hopes and dreams.

I've sat through countless conversations where someone laments that fact that they did not get the gender child they were expecting/wanting.

So. What is this disappointed person supposed to do or think when things didn't go their way?

When I found out I was pregnant, the questions started immediately.

What gender do you want?
Are you going to find out what you are having?
What names do you like?

I decided I did not want to find out what I was having. You see, I LOVE surprises. But honestly? I really just assumed I was going to have a girl.

I come from a family of all girls.
John's older brother had 4 girls. 
John's younger brother had 2 girls.
My older sister had 2 girls at the time(now has 4 girls).
I had no nephews and we were literally surrounded by a sea of girls.

And I really, truly, deeply didn't care what gender I was having. I was just so excited to finally be pregnant and part of the parent club! (when you don't have kids, being a parent seems all the rage)

As a kid, I had always daydreamed about having a long-lost twin brother. The idea just fascinated me. Boys were such a mystery. And I suppose deep down, I secretly was fascinated by the idea of having my own boy child one day. I mean, even my 2 cabbage patch kids were boys: James Bennet and Lincoln Sheldon. Ha. But I shrugged off the thought of having a boy, knowing that OF COURSE I was having a girl. Because that's all I knew.

Her name was to be Elle(Pronounced like the letter "L", as in Elle McPhearson).
And his name, IF he ever transpired, was to be Finn.

My delivery started out great. I quickly dilated to 10cm and pushed. And pushed. And pushed.

For like 3 hours, I kept pushing until I thought I'd drop dead tired from exhaustion. I was shocked at how tiring this was. I had never worked so hard in my entire life. I was amazed at all who had gone before me, doing this.

The dr tried the vacuum...and it failed.

When she mentioned c-section, I was in too much agony to argue. In the OR they asked what gender I was having.

I said "I don't know or care. I just want to go to heaven". Haaa.

They ending up having to knock me out because I felt them cutting.

When I came to, I asked "Is my baby ok? Does it have a disease?" Jeepers Davi. 

They said, "You have a healthy boy!"

A boy? I was elated. Later they handed me the most beautiful bundle I had ever laid eyes on. Never was there a mother so proud. I wanted to show him off to everyone.

Finn was born before people commonly used digital cameras.

And I can't believe I ever did scrapbooking. I thought I liked doing it, because it was "the thing to do". But later on, I realized I hated scrapbooking. Too much work.

Fast forward. I was pregnant again.

My sister nagged me to find out what I was having. Merciless I tell you! She hates surprises.

So we decided to find out.

During the ultrasound, the tech was unusually quiet.

It made me uneasy.

"Is something wrong?", I asked.

She said, "I'll explain everything at the end" in a strange tone of voice.

My heart sank. I knew something was wrong. I gripped John's hand.

After what seemed like forever, she said, "Your baby has a small cyst on his brain. It's a boy. But he looks otherwise fine. This isn't a death wish".

Golly. Isn't a death wish? What was that supposed to mean?

We were told that out baby "might" have a genetic problem or Down's. It was stressful waiting and not knowing what going on.

Over the next few weeks, John and I came to this conclusion: We prayed that we would be the best possible family for this wee baby.

I realized that babies weren't "accessories" to make us look or feel good. Duh, I know. 

And that we shouldn't have babies to make us happy.

It's not about what this baby can do to enhance my life, but what I can do to enhance this baby's life.

At my 30 week ultrasound with the "specialist", I was told that my baby boy's cyst had completely disappeared and that he was completely healthy.  The specialist then told me, "These cysts are very common and 98% of the time are completely harmless and disappear on their own".

It would have been nice if someone told me that sooner. But I learned a lot through this trial.

Due to the fact that I was too narrow to push out Finn, a mere 6 pounder, I ended up having another c-section...and delivered a healthy baby boy. The c-section was rough though. So rough, that when people asked me my baby's name, I just looked at them like "Are you kidding me? I have to name this child? Beat it!"

The next day, I decided to walk on the wild side and use the name that I had a gut-feeling about: Calvin Jack. (There were not many Calvins at the time).  We all fell in love with this squishy baby. Well, Finn disliked him at first. He suggested throwing "Coz-it" in the trash. Ha.

Seriously cracking up from his announcement. Times have changed a lot.

When Calvin was around 14 months old, I was pregnant for the 3rd time.

At 7 weeks along, I started spot bleeding. The ER doc tells me, "Your urine sample came back negative. You aren't pregnant...I'm so sorry. This sucks. We'll do a blood test and ultrasound to make sure".

I felt shocked. Stupid. Embarrassed.

But then I remembered my morning sickness. Surely I couldn't be imagining this whole thing up??!!

A novice tech butchered his way through an ultrasound. He had no idea what he was doing, and couldn't find a heart beat.

I was super bummed.

To be continued. 


  1. Davi. where are you going with this??
    you realize of course that all your readers will be wildly speculating. You said "to be continued"! that means something!

    sigh. this kind of post isn't fair.


    1. it was supposed to be one post, but it started getting long and i was getting sleepy last night!

    2. I thought that was probably it.... but one can never be too sure. ;)

      Love the post, looking forward to reading the rest, dear!

  2. Love this post! I too got amused with all the people who would ask me "Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?" with my first pregnancy. My first was a girl. In between my daughter and son, I had a miscarriage, so many people didn't ask that question when I was pregnant with my son because they knew I was just happy to be pregnant!!

  3. I'm with you, friend. I understand why mamas chat about gender preferences and why people ask those just doesn't always relate to me and my heart. :) I prayed for a baby for four long years and in His time, my Korean baby boy was in my arms.

    We're hoping our second baby (when the time comes) is a boy or a girl. ;)

    Although, I feel so confident as a "boy mama". A girl would be different!

    Don't keep us hanging for too long....

  4. I LOVE that you are posting about this! I agree that our culture is very obsessed with gender, the girl gender especially. I have one 5 year old awesome boy, and a baby boy that was born at 21 weeks four years ago that we lost. After praying, hoping, longing for another baby to fill this hole in my heart I am now pregnant again! We are thrilled beyond words at this great blessing. But it has really shocked me how many people say, "Oh I sure hope you have a girl... they are so much more fun!" Funner to dress, put bows in their hair, blah blah blah. It makes me really sad. Because a baby is a person that God has entrusted us parents with. They come to earth to fulfill their own special mission, not to be someone's dress up toy. They are not dolls, they are people. I am happy to say that I am having another BOY and am so excited to meet him, get to know his personality, and love as best as I can. I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your story! I love seeing you in the midst of all these boys, and am glad to see you writing about this.

  5. BAH!! Don't stop there! And scrapbooking, yes me too. OVER IT. Not worth it. Maybe that's why I started a blog. Digital scrapbooking of sorts. Also, your kids have the best names.

  6. Hey ~ I still scrapbook! Nothing fancy, AT ALL, but I still print out all my pictures and paste my favorites on pretty paper and put them in a special binder. My kids LOVE looking at all the "regular" photo albums, but they REALLY love looking at the pictures on the pretty paper! ;)

    1. It's true! The kids absolutely adore a scrapbook! Your kids are blessed to have it!

  7. Ahhh I can't wait for the second part!!

    Honestly, I swore up and down that I was pregnant with a boy. I HAD to be. But I had a nagging feeling it was a girl, and sure enough, there she was! I wouldn't have it any other way. Boy or girl, my baby is my baby.

  8. I love your posts! Its funny how often they resonate with me and my life!! (I have been meaning to show my husband the post you did a while back about your feelings on cooking & the kitchen because I could have written it! And it's nice to know I'm not alone ;)

    I am pregnant with #3 right now and it has been rough. They are sending me in to meet with a "specialist" because baby appears to have a possible cyst...they're saying possible cyst or indicator of Down's. I'm glad that everything turned out great with your little guy. I'm trying not to research and freak myself out! Phew! It's nice to get that out...were not really sharing what's going on until we have our appt next week and find out more, so it's good to tell someone :)

    Your posts are always refreshing to read! I look forward to reading the rest!!

    1. i understand 100% what you are going through. hang in there. will be praying for you.

  9. K I am not married and don't have kids (though I pray for that a lot) but I love these kinds of posts. I've always loved hearing people's pregnancy stories and birth stories. Plus, you make it sound hilarious! ("I have to name this child?" HA!)
    Can't wait to hear the's cruel to do a PART I post on a Friday ;)

  10. oh goodness..what lengths we go through to have these sweet babies of ours!
    ALL precious and perfect!
    Love hearing about your life with boys...I always just thought I'd have a boy..hehe..and now have the most precious girl and couldn't be happier!

  11. This is so funny, and so me! I am half-way through my second pregnancy, with our second girl. I am the oldest and only sister of 3 brothers, my hubby has one brother, and his entire side of the family is all boys...I think the last girl was born in the early 50s. Anyway, I was excited either way with our first but was totally planning on having a boy. When we found out it was a girl, I was so surprised. Same way this time. I loved the idea of having a boy but I also loved the idea of our daughter having a sister. Surprise! It's girl number 2. I never saw myself with a house full of girls but that may be what our life will look like...and I love every second of it!!! :)

  12. I understand the gender thing. The conversation comes up all the time without fail. And I'm pretty sure 99% of the population believes I won't be complete unless I have a girl.
    Girl Willow, I was told around 13 or 14 weeks by son's ultrasound showed fetal echogenic bowel syndrome. And that he would likely be born with trisomy 21, trisomy 18, or just not make it. It was scary and I had to wait till by 20 week ultrasound to find out they were completely wrong. I don't know what your outcome will be, but I hope they've made a mistake. Prayers to you!

  13. What an awesome story! I am hoping for all boys so most likely God will give me some surprises! They are such a treasure- can't wait to see the rest of the story!!:)

  14. I love that Finn suggested throwing Calvin in the trash! I have a feeling our Ory will think the same thing when we ever have another baby, since he hates crying so much! That just made me laugh. You are a great writer!

  15. Ahh you left me hanging! haha! Can't wait to read the rest though :) I swore we were having a boy too and our baby girl sure surprised us! :)

  16. Loved reading all of the stories...can't wait for the rest.

    Evie Grace had a cyst on her brain as well, but just like Calvin's, was gone at a later ultrasound.

  17. Seriously??? To Be Continued??? are worse than Downton Abbey! Hahaha!
    I love that you had boys! I know you are raising strong men who will do great things for God.

  18. Laughing over the scrap booking comment.
    I HATE scrap booking. I wanted to love it. I was supposed to love it, right?
    I can't love it. Can't even tolerate it.
    Glad I'm not the only one. Haha!

  19. hey mis addition from an amazing post, i nominated you on my blog as one of my favs. not because we're exactly the same, but because i think you're family is beautiful and i i think you are too. xoxo.